@RiIeyJokess

“Hey babe, you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.

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@skickwriter

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

@notenoughwine

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good, and we will slowly kill you

@McGrumpenstein

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

@pauleggleston

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

@NewDadNotes

[first date]

Date: well I had a great time tonight.

Me: me too.

Date: give me a ring sometime.

Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-

@weinerdog4life

No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”kelkulus”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3278807262/1fcf70b5a66e936d490699028532762d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”350279375893176320″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”118″;s:5:”tweet”;s:140:”Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@HenpeckedHal

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.

Wife:

Marriage counselor:

Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.