[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
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you know what ruined my childhood? children
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
#Caturday
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.