*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
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Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.