Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
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I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge