I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
You Might Also Like
I need to get some bricks…
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Guys, Kelly Kapowski does not belong solely to me
She belongs to us all
She’s R. Kelly
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”