My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
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Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Facebook memories be like
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.