I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Hey baby did it hurt when you fell from heaven?-How to pick up Satan
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I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint