Hey baby did it hurt when you fell from heaven?-How to pick up Satan

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I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.


I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”


“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds


Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.


*calls into work*

“yo boss i’m real sick”

“you don’t sound sick…”

“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”

“wow u do sound hella sick”


[himalayan monastery]

me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!

dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide


Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.


The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint