I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
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Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.