@LOsepyan

Hey baby did it hurt when you fell from heaven?-How to pick up Satan

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@TequilaTears

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

@TheNardvark

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

@JanelSantaCruz

“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds

@InThaBurbs

Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.

@Thynebear

*calls into work*

“yo boss i’m real sick”

“you don’t sound sick…”

“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”

“wow u do sound hella sick”

@aotakeo

[himalayan monastery]

me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!

dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide

@Sophie2078

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

@TheGoodGodAbove

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint