I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
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wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
peak technology
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.