“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
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Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Sharon I have some bad news
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
no their not
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me: