Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
You Might Also Like
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”