They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
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[psychiatrist who used to be a cheerleader] you seem aggressive seem seem aggressive
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Dried up sea monkeys taste nothing like chicken. Related: Never ever put your kids seamonkey packets near your cup o’noodles packets. Ever.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”