Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
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Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
How funny!
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.