@Sal_Stevens

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

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@Prof_Hinkley

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

@McGrumpenstein

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

@FredTaming

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

@XplodingUnicorn

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

@Cyd10e

We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.

@RobDenBleyker

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

@adamgreattweet

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding

@kiel_phillips

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms