Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
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[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms