HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG