“Can I get you to-”
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…
– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Hey baby, lemme see what’s under that shell.
Ugh, as if. *Lady turtle starts walking away.*
[3 hours later]
I still see you there baby.
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Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
cop pulls me over 2nite. comes 2 my window n asks, Cop: “do you know y i pulled u over?” Me: “because Batman is catching all the criminals”
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
[throws bread to a duck]
Duck: I have a boyfriend
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Cry if you missed someone.
Try to shoot them again before they leave.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat