@pinupteacher

Hey baby, lemme see what’s under that shell.

Ugh, as if. *Lady turtle starts walking away.*

[3 hours later]

I still see you there baby.

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@UncleDuke1969

“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…

– Adam Sandler being handed a script

@JediGigi

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

@geowizzacist

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

@illuminatedwndr

cop pulls me over 2nite. comes 2 my window n asks, Cop: “do you know y i pulled u over?” Me: “because Batman is catching all the criminals”

@neiltyson

A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”

@sbellelauren

thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent

@Shawn_spree

Cry if you missed someone.

Try to shoot them again before they leave.

@ddsmidt

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

@EndhooS

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat