“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”

It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.

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Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.


“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.


Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool


I’m guessing whoever coined the phrase “no news is good news” obviously did not have children that were playing quietly in their rooms.


A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.


I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive


Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.


I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.