“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
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4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Um … Hot Wings please
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Breakfast for Stoners:
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.