Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
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a public service announcement
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I’m guessing whoever coined the phrase “no news is good news” obviously did not have children that were playing quietly in their rooms.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.