Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
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[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.