@FuckabillyRex

Hey, babygirl, I have ten bucks and a BOGO coupon for McDonalds. Wanna come watch me eat two Big Macs?

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@EliTerry

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

@PleaseBeGneiss

[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?

PROFESSOR: bingo!

STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous

@Dawn_M_

*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.

@BunAndLeggings

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

@chuuew

[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie

@CoolCamel69

*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.

@Parkerlawyer

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

@theshantilly

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

@not_delicate

My 10 year old son just told me I look nice today so I’m trying to figure out what he broke and where he hid it.

@Fickle_Filly

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.