Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
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It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
i just injected myself with bleach, now we wa
You wanna impress me roomba? Climb up and get all the dog hair off my couch.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Me: *dying on table*
Doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not going to *notices my crocs* Time of death 10:05 P.M.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.