@Fred_Delicious

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

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@E_lok44

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

@aveuaskew

It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.

@sweetmomissa

You wanna impress me roomba? Climb up and get all the dog hair off my couch.

@dave_cactus

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

@causticbob

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

@AimeeHelene1

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

@sonictyrant

[Emergency Room]

Me: *dying on table*

Doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not going to *notices my crocs* Time of death 10:05 P.M.