“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
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Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?