Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
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Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check