can’t wait til they legalize outside
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?
My cat would be dead before I got 50
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Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
ME: my husband wears a pair of jorts the week I’m ovulating
DOCTOR: no i meant are you on any form of hormonal birth control
ME: ah. no.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel