@SteveKoehler22

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

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@plsfindmeagf

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

@RoxiieHart

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

@EliTerry

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

@ValeeGrrl

ME: my husband wears a pair of jorts the week I’m ovulating

DOCTOR: no i meant are you on any form of hormonal birth control

ME: ah. no.

@aidanjsears

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel