Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
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I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
dam girl
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
the Monday after daylight savings
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?