Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
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Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I am having an out of money experience.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.