Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don’t even call back people I know.

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How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?


My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.


Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*


Somebody called me ‘pretentious’ the other day.nnI nearly choked on my decaf double choc mocha latte.


It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”


I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.


I like to eat spaghetti with my hands so people don’t even have to ask how I’m doing


If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.