@GeminiJew

Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don’t even call back people I know.

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@UncleDuke1969

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

@AmberTozer

[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday

@dave_cactus

BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!

@DothTheDoth

In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.

@Thereeveryday

One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.

@BlindChow

[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

@TacoStamp1

Damn my stomach is making really weird noises…I’m gonna go ahead and send a donut down there to check things out.

@MrFornicator

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.