Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
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“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?