Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.

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Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too


A movie about a surfer vs. a shark

but instead of going back into the water & fighting the shark & dying, she finds somewhere else to surf.


I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.


*coworker drinks coffee I made them*

Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder



Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today

Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!


I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.


Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.


“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]


I always appreciate when someone leaves me a voice mail. It let’s me know they don’t need my attention until the next time I’m bored enough to empty out my voice mail folder.


Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet