@jesse_street

Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.

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@jewfacekilla

Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too

@thestlouisan

A movie about a surfer vs. a shark

but instead of going back into the water & fighting the shark & dying, she finds somewhere else to surf.

@jellybnbonanza

I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.

@Rollmaninoz

*coworker drinks coffee I made them*

Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder

@MarfSalvador

[Funeral]

Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today

Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!

@solsayswhaaa

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

@FilthyRichmond

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

@KyleMcDowell86

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]

@2free2stylr

I always appreciate when someone leaves me a voice mail. It let’s me know they don’t need my attention until the next time I’m bored enough to empty out my voice mail folder.

@ericsshadow

Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet