“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
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When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?