We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
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Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
a fate I wish upon no one
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Ugh