Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
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a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.