Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
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Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.