Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?

Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.

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Every Facebook post:
*Girl posts lyrics*
Elderly woman comments “Hi lucy. you’re so grown up. We miss you. Tell your mom ill call Wednesday”


I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?


Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”


[Grocery Store]

Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?

Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.


Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.


Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.


“dad, what does extravagant mean?”

idk son. why don’t you …

[i turn to my wife using $100 bills to light the fireplace]

ask your mother


I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.


My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer