“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
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2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness
And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Coming home to my dog reeking of hamburgers and betrayal
Eating clocks is probably the most time consuming thing you could ever do.