Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

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*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”


2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!

2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.


If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer


“How did your

*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*

favorite sports team do in their

*looks down again*

sporting contest today?”


Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!

Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*


Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*


Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*


Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.


According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”


Coming home to my dog reeking of hamburgers and betrayal


Eating clocks is probably the most time consuming thing you could ever do.