@CantWaitToNap

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

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@TheAlexNevil

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

@elunatyk

2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!

2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.

@dumbbeezie

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

@AndyAsAdjective

“How did your

*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*

favorite sports team do in their

*looks down again*

sporting contest today?”

@mommajessiec

Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!

Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*

Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!

Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*

@Average_Dad1

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

@GreenishDuck

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

@thedad

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

@yonewt

Coming home to my dog reeking of hamburgers and betrayal

@ibrownied

Eating clocks is probably the most time consuming thing you could ever do.