Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
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Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
For the ones in the back.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.