@RealRebelElle

Hey boy, are you an astronaut? Cause you’re invading my space

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@lazerdoov

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

@YoungNobler

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

@SondraDeeMe

[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

@DrunksWithGuns

If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.

@yaseen_moi

I just passed my drug test. My dealer has some explaining to do.

@neiltyson

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

@GingerHotDish

I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

@PaperWash

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

@thatdutchperson

[remodel]

Me: can you please keep that awful noise down?

Contractor: for the last time, sir, we don’t control who’s running for president.

@karencheee

Today I watched a meteor shower until it angrily pulled the curtains closed and yelled at me to stop peeping.