@MrSpoonicorn

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

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@Ally__Jam

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

@GianDoh

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”

@droidbears

fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever

@stephanidek

Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible

Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too

@LizHackett

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

@fro_vo

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane

@Beerhaze

Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.

@stewnami

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?