Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
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I was never good at meth in school…
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?