@MrSpoonicorn

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

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@UnicornSyrup

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

@teacup_giraffe

Walk up to the guy with a popped collar and spiked hair & say “What’s up, Chad?” & he’ll be all “Whoa… How’d you know my name, bro?”

@weinerdog4life

No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee

@briangaar

If you pull a lizard’s tail off, it will grow back. If you pull it off again, the lizard will be like “dude.”

@ruslg1

My one night stand is pissed because I broke the other one.

@notacroc

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

@goldengateblond

Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE

@intellegint

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

@TheToddWilliams

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day