Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them

It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child

If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.

“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”

Why are bridges so flammable.

ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*

FRIEND: Is that… pudding?

“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*

The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie

when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.

Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.

Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.

9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?

Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah

Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.

Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.

Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

[something bad happens to me and I disappear]

Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:

3) They need their rest.

2) Routine is important.

1) “Game of Thrones” is on.

My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.

A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.