Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
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My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I can fix him.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
i dont have time for this
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick