that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
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my mom making me talk to relatives
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management