@AllanForsyth

“Hey, buddy! My eyes are up here!”

– Stilt walking woman on a first date.

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@SarahR_82

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

@carlyken

Buy Domino’s
Fire everyone
Hire dragons
Fire roasted pizzas
Delivery in six minutes or less

IMAGINE DRAGONS

@KalvinMacleod

[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied

@TheMichaelRock

I just had a coughing fit and think I accidently created a Nicki Minaj song featuring Ke$ha.

Sorry, you guys.

@Cheeseboy22

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

@Peauxtassium

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

@mistakeswasmade

professsor x: what’s your superpower

me: solving for variables

professor 17: oh wow

@Lisabug74

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

@dog_feelings

the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day

@TheAlexNevil

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.