“Hey, buddy! My eyes are up here!”

– Stilt walking woman on a first date.

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The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.


Buy Domino’s
Fire everyone
Hire dragons
Fire roasted pizzas
Delivery in six minutes or less



[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied


I just had a coughing fit and think I accidently created a Nicki Minaj song featuring Ke$ha.

Sorry, you guys.


Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”


Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.


professsor x: what’s your superpower

me: solving for variables

professor 17: oh wow


I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.


the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day


Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.