@briangaar

“Hey buddy, what’s up?!!” — short honk
“I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE” — long honk

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@EllaZee5

Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin

Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked

@JKickinit30

Your pronunciation of the word surreal is why I have trust issues.

*puts away bowl and spoon

@GlennyRodge

Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.

@allisonkilkenny

Every MCU villain’s character arc

Villain: *makes reasonable political demand*

(5 minutes later)

Villain: execute the civilians

@pauleggleston

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

@TuffyNyC

My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.

@VodkaThursday

I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT ANYTHING. YOU ARE EVIL. I don’t want to go in the swing!! NOOOOooooo…. okay. yeah. This works. I’ll hang here. – Baby

@KateWouldHaveIt

“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.

@dreadnaught69

I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”

@tobyherman27

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?