If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
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Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave