Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
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Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.