hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
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Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship