@PaperWash

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

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@LoveNLunchmeat

Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

@Diversion50

“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.

@Chumpstring

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens

@LackOfShame

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

@TheBoydP

Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space

Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later

@BrianStack153

Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.

@eminmien

RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?

ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?

RIDDLER: Well, no, but