Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
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[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
cause of death:
autopsy.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.