Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
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The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
idk what this dog had been going through but same
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”