Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
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HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.