Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

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Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try


I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.


I have a male dead set on getting into my pants. It’s the cat and my knickers drawer, but still.


Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.


[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.


My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.


1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents


Of course I’m a leader, if you count leading astray.


There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.