Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
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3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.