Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
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I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
I have a male dead set on getting into my pants. It’s the cat and my knickers drawer, but still.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Of course I’m a leader, if you count leading astray.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.