My dad says that if I don’t stop typing so loudly, he’s gonna slam my face into the fidbdiUHy6hivIifHfGK
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
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I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I’m straight but not “get my alibi” straight.
If you do a Marilyn Monroe-esque rendition of Happy Birthday, they’ll stop inviting you to their kid’s birthday parties.
Put your seatbelt on, kids. Mommy wants to record a video for Facebook.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
“You’ve been learning a few weeks now”
“Progress has been slow”
“Perhaps it’s time you sat up front with me?”