Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Partner: Did you pick up that decoractive mini cactus collection like I asked you to? It will look great on the windowsill.
Me: Ohhhhhh CACTI
Partner: Yeah? Why what did you think I said?
*cat wanders past in a mini tie*
Me: …Not important.
Me: Yep. Wine.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
*turns on shower*
*shower whispers “eat donuts for breakfast” & “get drunk tonight”*
Me: Wow, that’s some serious water pressure
Some guy just asked if I was Asian cuz he’s China get in my pants. Hope your day is as magical as mine.