@Brampersandon_

Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?

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@Carbosly

Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.

@_Tempo11

Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you

@ACartoonCat

Partner: Did you pick up that decoractive mini cactus collection like I asked you to? It will look great on the windowsill.

Me: Ohhhhhh CACTI

Partner: Yeah? Why what did you think I said?

*cat wanders past in a mini tie*

Me: …Not important.

@capnwatsisname

me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate

gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast

@thedadvocate01

Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

@sarahcpr

Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills

@Playing_Dad

*turns on shower*
*shower whispers “eat donuts for breakfast” & “get drunk tonight”*
Me: Wow, that’s some serious water pressure

@Sassafrantz

Some guy just asked if I was Asian cuz he’s China get in my pants. Hope your day is as magical as mine.