Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
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Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
How times have changed.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Good morning.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.