Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
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Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
No Google it does not
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.