Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
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they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us