Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
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It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
A friend sent me this.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
same energy
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.