Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
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Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.