@meganyyb

Hey couples on Facebook that share an account, so which one of you got caught having an affair?

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@fluffysuse

If it’s your imperfections that make you beautiful, I’m pretty sure I should be a supermodel.

@ObscureGent

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.

@KeetPotato

pilot: [via intercom] if you dont shut up back there i will stop this plane
co-pilot: [quieter] wont it fall out the sky
pilot: not now gary

@thenatewolf

Tell me more about these male enhancement pills…
Will they help me chop wood better? How about pelts?
Will I know how to make pelts?

@jellybnbonanza

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

@truegritrumble

ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.

THERAPIST: Who?

ME: *points at myself* This idiot.

@PostCultRev

FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot

@ThisLocalHater

You have changed my morals completely with your reply, batshit crazy internet stranger

@AndLookPretty

Husband preps two bowls of ice cream. Hands me the one that appears slightly smaller in size.

Are you calling me fat?