If it’s your imperfections that make you beautiful, I’m pretty sure I should be a supermodel.
Hey couples on Facebook that share an account, so which one of you got caught having an affair?
You Might Also Like
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
pilot: [via intercom] if you dont shut up back there i will stop this plane
co-pilot: [quieter] wont it fall out the sky
pilot: not now gary
Tell me more about these male enhancement pills…
Will they help me chop wood better? How about pelts?
Will I know how to make pelts?
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
You have changed my morals completely with your reply, batshit crazy internet stranger
Husband preps two bowls of ice cream. Hands me the one that appears slightly smaller in size.
Are you calling me fat?