My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Hey couples on Facebook that share an account, so which one of you got caught having an affair?
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I hate when I think of a great tweet and discover someone did it already. It’s like that time I invented the wheelbarrow.
Him: God you smell good, what is that?
Me: chicken nuggets
Friend: It looks like you’re packing to go on an extended vacation. Where to, the Caribbean or Hawaii?
Me: No, this is just my lunch.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.
Me: I just broke a nail.
WebMD: Finger cancer.
just when I started to freak out I noticed the ghost that haunts my ensuite had written “don’t panic, you ate beets last night” with lipstick on the mirror and I am so grateful to have such a good friend
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!