“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
You Might Also Like
Great Canadian literature.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click