Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
You Might Also Like
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.