@Marcmywords2

Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.

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@DanMentos

“Ed’s Plumbing”
Hi I think an engagement ring is stuck in my toilet
“ok when did your lady drop-”
She didn’t
“Sir?”
I hid it in her dessert

@Kendragarden

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

@Mikecanrant

I just farted real loud and my car alarm went off.

Some guy is stealing it but I wanted you guys to know about my fart. Be right back.

@UncleDuke1969

(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*

@hammbone84

MY ROOMBA IS SOMEHOW LOOSE OUTDOORS AND I’M TERRIFIED OF THE CONSEQUENCES FOR THE ECOSYSTEM AS IT HAS NO NATURAL PREDATORS.

@ka_waltz

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

@AbbyHasIssues

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

@MomOnFire

If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

@IanKarmel

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.