@Marcmywords2

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

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@lmwortho

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

@Amusitr0n

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

@Swishergirl24

My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.

@daemonic3

friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?

me: sure

friend: does 8 sound good?

me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4

@SamGrittner

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

@SarahFemme

Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there’s a prize at the bottom.

@ipalatsky

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

@gHOEstgurl

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

@fro_vo

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow