@Marcmywords2

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

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@Gooooats

Me: I heard you like men with a huge collection of words that they know and can say.

Her: A vocabulary?

Me: A what?

@imteddybless

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

@ArfMeasures

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!

Me: that makes us vest friends!

Daughter: vest friends forever!

Me:

Daughter:

Me: HAHAHAHA!

Daughter: HAHAHAHA!

Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?

Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )

@StarWarsProblms

Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power

Leia: By blowing up my planet?

Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation

Leia: NOOO!!!

@3sunzzz

I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?

Correct!

@daemonic3

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

@CloydRivers

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

@causticbob

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

@mastrap84

God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?